I'm jonesin' for some tech!

From here on out, I'm revoking the vast majority of my WoW posts, because I try to hard to think of something relating to it, then don't write for weeks at a time. That's poor form. So anyway, back to corrupting your point of view with my twisted morals and misguided intentions.

So I got this new phone last week, and it brought up some rather blatant hypocrisies within myself, though you'll be hard pressed to find documented evidence of it (shredded, and burned. Thank you legal team). I had always found that using a cell phone just for the sake of having a mobile phone was quite satisfying enough for me, and I had absolutely no interest in anything more from it. Well, unless a cell phone could tend bar for me. Then I probably woulda wanted one of those. 'Scuse me Foneface, I'll have a jack and coke, on the rocks. Then I'd get plastered and tell him my woes, because that's why bartenders do.

What was I going on about? There we go, the beauty of looking up the page. So anyway, got this fancy fucker now, does everything. It actually offered to wipe while I was on the shitter. I wasn't sure if it was male or female though, so I declined. But I find that I'm actually using it for quite a bit more than just it's phone purpose (which is probably the hardest part to figure out on the damn thing. I could walk over to my friend's house, kick his face in, walk back, grill out, and take a nap before I dial in the number). It's highly annoying, actually using this because I know that at some point I'm going to become dependent upon it, and that sucks. The only things that should be depended on in life are hookers putting out and hippies smelling terrible. And here I am breaking this exceptional trend with phone dependence.

I think this is a noticable trend in society; the more you have, the more you need it all. Which is kind of silly because none of us actually need all this bullshit, we just like it so much that we deem it a personal need. It's like a drug addiction, only the drug is technology. And let me tell you, it is a sweet fucking drug. I have no personal qualms about it at all. Unless the robot revolution comes in my lifetime, it's an addiction not likely to kill me (please God, let it happen to my kids instead of me). Though I do remember hearing about some dude dropping dead in an internet cafe because he was too fucking dumb to take a shit or feed himself while he was on his computer. I think even if he didn't die, he should've won a Darwin award. I think we all know he wasn't getting laid any time soon.

So summation, eh? Don't uh... Don't die before you get yourself laid, phones are terrible bartenders, and prepare an EMP for the robot revolution. By EMP I really mean handgun, and by prepare I mean insert it in your mouth and pull the trigger. It's the only way. If you wanna go ahead and jump the gun (heh, pun intended) and do it now, I'm sure no one will mind. Or care that you're gone.

What the hell am I DOING?

Yet another WoW and life related post that will undoubtedly shatter your fragile little mind. Sometimes, I wonder if it's best that I don't write so that fewer minds are inevitably broken, but then I remember that mine is likely the only one that matters. Sorry (in the most insincere way).

So aside from being a perfect specimen of a man, I asked myself, "what am I actually doing?" Typing away frivolously was the immediate and logical answer. Giggles ensued. Then I got down to the core of the question. Mind you, I'm not here to relay my personal life, but moreso to think about the massive problems that I alone can answer with my superior intellect and cunning. I do think this is a solid question for anyone to ask themself. Grinding through the drudgery of the day is a boring and insufficient answer. To those of you who thought that, you will be fed to the Soylent system for immediate deliciousness preparation (don't forget to leave your SSN with the receptionist!).

I think my point is that we all need to make an effort to better ourselves in whatever the hell it is that we choose to accomplish. This is a far more taxing concept for you than it is for me, since I am spectacular at everything I choose to do. I'm relating this to WoW because I have seen some very bad players become very good players using this idea as a springboard to some fashion of success (the only time asking for help kills anyone is in horror movies and China.). Others though, even the decent players, don't use this idea and for it remain mediocre at best, fucking awful at worst (if there was a better term for how bad they were, I'd use it).

As it is though, I've decided to take this and apply it to my personal life. I've got all sorts of shit I want to get better at, or even try for a first time (I'm sure I'll be amazing at it). I can't see any particular reason not to, unless someone threatens my life if I try new things. Though at that point I think I'd fuck em up with a spear. Or gun. Whichever is closest, ya know? I'd encourage you all to try new things as well if I wasn't positive you'd blow up the whole damn world with your severe retardation.

So yeah... I'm gonna go do something new, right now. Well, not right now. I'm pretty tired, and could very well accidentally kill several camels in the process. Those bitches never know when to get out of my way. Anyway, sleep first, but then something new, and God forbid, fun. Gonna go balls out, if you'll let the term slide (let the terms slide dammit...).

I'm gonna invent a lightsaber!

Stumbleupon is the greatest tool man has ever known

Recently I've taken to using the stumbleupon app quite a bit. I have it configured to go to a lot of different random humor/science/math/religion/technology sites, and so far it hasn't disappointed, much like koala meat. Very tasty. This app has done wonders for expanding my already immense knowledge set by taking me to new topics I didn't even know I gave a shit about. I still don't, if you're wondering, but I now officially understand these topics better, and can make a more informed decision about why I don't give a shit about them.

Today in 3 stumbles, I hit 2 different anti-scientologist sites and read them through. See, this is a topic I already knew I hated and wanted to blow chunks on and around their personal belongings, but now I know why! It's a great tool for finding targets of personal vindicative violence and verbal abuse. That was almost unintentional alliteration. Had it come to pass, the world may have exploded and/or been molested by a giant Swedish Fish. You fuckers are lucky.

In addition to information, I've found a lot of cool shit I didn't know I wanted. You know the type of stuff I'm talking about. Like walking into some jackass shop with your imaginary girlfriend and seeing the most amazing novelty hat that you desperately need. You buy said hat and wear it once. You then defacate in it once while drunk, and toss it in the dumpster to be used as a home for a family of small Mexican imigrants. There's no explanation for this phenomena (the unexpected spending, not the unreasonably small Mexicans), other than sexual repression and poor fundamental mathematical skills; both of which were simply made up on the spot by other sexually repressed scientists.

I suppose that to sum it all up, this is possibly one of the neatest tools I've encountered in the recent past and future (I've been to it. It's fucking boring). I also can't help mentally using my "summing up" voice when I type these last paragraphs in my posts. I love the sound of my voice all the time, but I would sex up my "summation" voice like a 25 cent hooker. Really though. Right in the butt.

How to deal with twats

Recently in my WoW guild we've had a bunch of twats leave of their own free will. The only thing I'm actually disappointed about here is that I didn't get to give them the boot along with several choice words. Among them, cockpaste would be foremost. I'm gonna tie this in to a real world situation, you're just gonna have to wait for it.

So I've had this song stuck in my head all day, pretty fucking annoying too because I've played it a few times to no avail. I'm debating suicide. I think it's the best option at hand.

Ok, got it. So here I am thinking I'd like to tell these people that I find them highly annoying and would like to set their undoubtedly cheap import cars on fire, when I realize that this would be completely unacceptable behavior in the real world. Not the combustion of vehicles, but moreso parting ways with someone for good without giving them an assful (I don't think I've ever seen that as one word. Bow before my higher powers of grammar!) of verbal abuse. I have made it custom to do so, mostly because I always feel superior when putting others down, but also to put people in their place.

For instance, apparently we've had several of our more casual raiders bitching about not being able to get as much loot as the people who show up every time. Really? I have to wonder who thought that was a good idea. "Hey bitch! Thanks for dragging my ass through all this content, but do you think you could just hand me some stuff so I can continue to perform poorly, all while being outclassed by parapalegics with a thumb up their ass?" That's sort of like asking your boss if you can work a 2 day week with no pay cut, all while trying to touch his penis for your late night masturbating pleasure.

Supposing that something like this happened to you, would you cut your ties with them without a word? You better not. Fuck em up with your word punches. Granted, not everyone is as eloquent as I, but you can sure try! I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of violence is because of pent up emotions over some self-centered shiteater. Do the world a favor, and cuss the fucking shit out of someone! I do, and I am a satisfied individual.

I'd rather not have self-absorbed assholes in my general vicinity. I'm far more than enough for most to handle, except that I actually deserve all the praise that I get. Did you forget? I'm awesome at fucking everything. You can use that f bomb as either an adjective or a verb, it fits either way.

So here's the deal

I've just decided to transfer my random writings of old into an actual blog, in the hopes that it actually spurs me to write a bit more. I'm a spectacular writer and I think the world (or what tiny portion of it may visit here) needs to have some of me in it (sexual innuendo, score!). What are my plans you ask? Why, good question honorable sir or ma'am! I'd be delighted to explain my incoherent and wanton ways to you.

First, I'm just using this as a creative outlet. This will likely be the only post I ever make that has a bit of sense in it, so just get used to the ramblings of a lunatic. I need a place to mentally rock out with my cock out so to speak. That is correct, my brain is so developed that it has created its own reproductive organ, and is seeking a way to have sex with other brains. My brain can't afford to be tied down to just one other brain though, so he brings protection to the gang bang.

Second, I truly enjoy World of Warcraft on a lot of different levels. It's mentally stimulating (which should give you a new image now knowing I have a brain penis) if you look deeper into the math and mechanics, it's a great social setting, and it's one of the best designed games to date. I've been looking to write about my thoughts on WoW, and I finally decided to get around to it.

Third... right. I don't think I have a third reason. How about this: to open everyone's eyes to how amazing I am, and how my personal take on life and its ridiculousness is the right and only way to view it. Yes, that sounds good. Hot damn I'm a modest sonuvabitch.

There you have it. My writing is generally like word porn, so it's best that you keep it in your pants. I'm not responsible for you getting ejaculate all over your monitor.

Side note/question: Have you ever ejaculated so much you think you lost weight?

I drink water to kill more whales

PETA is an association for the benefit of animal rights. PETA also has a tendency to blow huge chunks into each other's mouths while going down on any and every animal this planet has to offer. I hate PETA. You should too. I say that if an animal isn't smart enough to NOT be raised as food, they probably don't deserve the same rights as humans. I have yet to be caught and eaten, so I deem myself a greater being. Higher thinking got humanity as a whole to where it is today. Granted, we have our issues. Lots of issues. Ones that will destroy the world kind of issues. Actually, we probably fucked ourselves over three ways from Sunday. I'm not making a very valid point. Well, at least we get to choose whether or not we screw ourselves. Cows don't. Llamas don't. Hippies don't. We have free will, for better or (much more likely) worse.

Back to PETA. PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. As most people and retarded hippies should know, ethics are a rather subjective branch of study. More or less, it's looking at what makes a good life, and also includes moral rights and wrongs. I can't say for sure if an animal thinks about these kinds of things, but I'm going to bet they don't. Why? Because dogs eat their own shit, hamsters eat their young, and lemmings run off of cliffs. If a human did any of these, they'd be deemed insane and banished from society and/or eaten. I'm talking about eating a lot. I think I'm hungry. I should look into that. Anyway, I'm capable of discerning if these things will lead me to a happy and moral life. Animals... not so much. They act solely on instinct. Instinct can indeed let them survive, but most would agree that survival isn't really living.

What really pisses me off is how PETA tries to butt in to how other people operate their own lives. No! I like eating meat, and I really don't give a shit how cows are treated before they're killed. They're being raised to be eaten, plain and simple. When your life has a purpose that meager, your room to complain is marginal at best. Oh wait, they can't complain - they're cows. They have no brain and no soul. When they can start talking and arguing rationally with me, I will change my stance on the spot. Until then, get the stick out of your ass.

Now on the other hand, just because I have a right to eat animals doesn't mean I should be a total dick to them for no reason at all. If I see a squirrel on the road, I brake, or if there's a dog about, I pet it. There's no reason not to be civil, but putting animals on the same level as a human is bullshit. I'll take the human life over the animal every time, because doing otherwise is ridiculous. And that is the crux of PETA, and also why they blow donkeys every day. EVERY. DAY.

PETA, fuck off. How about taking up a reasonable cause, like helping other humans in need instead? You could be out there making a difference in something that actually matters instead of pissing your life away having sex with animals.

Time travel and lazerz PEW PEW

I was at work when I started thinking about time travel in general. I dunno if it's even possible, but it's something insane to think about. Think about all the things in your life you'd go back and change. What would happen if you changed one of those things and it led to your accidental death 5 minutes later? That would suck. Makes you worry about trying to change your past, huh? I know it bothered me. I wish there were things about my past I could change, but I think that would change where, who, and what I am today. Personally, I like me an awful lot, and so does everyone else ever, so I'd rather not change that based on something accidental.

Now, knowing that anything in your past could very well change everything you are, would you still do it? If I don't like you very much, I'd highly recommend it, hoping that you run your car into a tree, but that's just me (and my opinion counts for more than yours). But annoying people aside, I think this is a valid question, and an even more pertinent topic for discussion. Unfortunately, the discussion is one sided. I talk, you listen, you become amazed at my thought provoking writings, then buy me a hooker. Yeah, that's how it goes.

Change any small event in your life, and not too terribly much happens, right? Start changing more and more though, and I think the person you are/would be begins to deteriorate. It's not a single event that defines your life (unless you happens to be named Julius Caesar. Way to get stabbed buddy, you changed history) but rather the events in their entirety. Everything that you have experienced just so happens to make you who you are. For the most of you reading this, I can honestly say that's a good thing. For the rest of you not included in the "most" part, I hope you choke.

What I'm trying to sum myself up to is that we shouldn't go looking back on our life with disdain, but rather a bit of joy. Sure, you made an ass of yourself that one time, and you pooped your pants another, maybe you should have worn a condom, or probably not sold your baby on the black market, but who cares? You should be proud of what you've done, not because of the moral right or wrongness of the action, but because it shaped you into a decent person. Unless you're not a decent person, like myself. Then you're boned.